Supporting a Loved One With Addiction

In the expansive body of research into substance abuse and addictive behaviours, the majority of focus has been placed on the perspective of the person with the addiction or, from the inside, the storm of the addiction itself.

Yet we must also ensure that friends, family and loved ones on the outside receive enough support, for they, too, will struggle with intense emotions, frustrations and heartache.

Understanding addiction from the “outside”

Addictions are incredibly complex conditions with physical, psychological and emotional components. Many centuries ago, our understanding of addictions was not as strong, so a common consensus toward addictions was that it shows a person has made poor choices or lacks willpower.

However, more modern research into addictions has highlighted how heritability is responsible for 40 to 60% of a person’s chances of developing a substance use disorder (SUD). This suggests the dangers of holding onto previous misconceptions and why we should be more sensitive towards those who suffer.

Many addictions are recognised as medical disorders, which alter a person’s brain chemistry and hijack their decision-making abilities. For those on the outside, it may look like an addicted loved one chooses substances over their responsibilities or relationships. But inside the eye of the storm, there is a person caught in the cycle of dependence, shame and a desperate need to feel okay. A loved one may be so deeply enshrouded by the mists of addiction that they fail to see those close to them who offer their hand in support.

If this sounds like you, we understand how emotionally exhausting it can be. Understanding addiction from the outside means recognising that your love and support are vital, but they often cannot cure someone else’s illness. What you can do is continue to be a wellspring of hope, love and care while your loved one treads their recovery path to a brighter tomorrow.

How can I offer support without enabling my loved one?

Giving support to a loved one with a deep addiction is a delicate act. You want to be there for them, but you don’t want to make it easier for them to continue with harmful behaviours.

This is where it helps to seek the line between helping them and enabling their behaviour, though the line certainly can be elusive.

The difference between helping and rescuing

One of the most painful yet important facts to remember is that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. We understand that this phrase may be bandied around quite frequently, but its simplicity is poignant.

You are most likely in a position where you can offer some degree of help. You can be there to encourage your loved one to face their addiction and make positive changes. However, trying to rescue them could involve protecting them from the consequences of their actions, like covering up for them, giving them money, or making excuses on their behalf. You might be coming from a place of love, but these acts can unintentionally prolong the addiction and magnify the damage caused.

Make sure you don’t lose sight of the fact that you can help them, but you might not be able to rescue them.

Setting healthy, loving boundaries

Make sure you don’t think of boundaries as a form of punishment. If you’re striving to help your loved one who is battling addiction, boundaries can become protections for both you and them. They become a concrete way of communicating what you can and can’t accept.

Boundaries must come with repercussions, and you will need to stick with them. You might have feelings or statements in your mind like “I love you, and I want to help, but I can’t be around you when you’re using ___ drug.” Your support is available, but not at the expense of your own well-being and mental health.

What to say – and what not to say

It is an understatement to say that “finding the right words to help a loved one with an addiction can be difficult.” There is no perfect script or automatic way to get through to them, but there are some types of communication that will work better than others:

Phrases of compassionate communication:

• “I care about you and I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
• “I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling lately and I want to understand.”
• “This must be really hard. You don’t have to go through it alone.”
• “I miss who you are when addiction isn’t in the way.”

Phrases to avoid (even if well-meaning):

• “Why can’t you just stop?”
• “You’re being selfish.”
• “Haven’t you learned your lesson by now?”
• “If you really loved us, you’d quit.”

We know that in heated moments it is challenging to use the right words, but remember that the goal is to build a bridge, not a barrier.

When should I consider professional intervention?

There may come a point when compassion, boundaries and open communication aren’t enough to shift the situation. If your loved one is in denial about the severity of their addiction or consistently refuses help, it might be time to consider professional intervention.

Signs that suggest outside help is needed

• Increasing health risks: Your loved one’s physical or mental health is clearly declining.
• Dangerous behaviours: This may include drink-driving, aggression, or blackouts.
• Escalation despite concern: Their substance use continues or worsens, even after multiple conversations.
• Isolation and secrecy: They’re withdrawing from family, hiding use, or becoming defensive when approached.
• Emotional toll on the family: If your household is living in constant anxiety or fear, support is urgently needed.

What an intervention really looks like

An intervention does not have to become a dramatic or frenetic confrontation. If it’s well thought out and planned, it becomes a compassionate meeting where each family member and a professional interventionist can open the door to treatment. Even if the help isn’t accepted by your loved one right away, it can plant a seed that grows in the days or weeks that follow.

Why you can’t pour from an empty cup

When you’re constantly stressed, anxious, or on high alert, it’s harder to offer meaningful support. Prioritising sleep, nutrition, boundaries, and emotional regulation isn’t indulgent; it’s protective. It allows you to show up as the steady, calm presence your loved one needs rather than burning out from compassion fatigue.

Therapy and support groups for families can become indispensable tools for helping a loved one who is struggling. There are dedicated support groups like Al-Anon and Families Anonymous that may be your first port of call for getting the help you need. Many people also benefit from one-to-one therapy, where they can express feelings without judgement and learn coping strategies to manage stress and guilt.

Caring for someone else starts with caring for yourself. When you’re supported and strong, you’re better equipped to help them through their own healing process.

Where can I find help for an addiction?

If you’re living with a loved one who is struggling with an addiction, we understand the extent of the pain and suffering you may be experiencing. Remember, you don’t have to feel alone and you may not have all the answers for them. You’ve already taken an important step by learning how to support them, which speaks volumes about your love and commitment.

Here at UKAT Sanctuary Lodge, we support both individuals and families through the tumultuous journey of addiction recovery. Our programmes include medical detox, family therapy and ongoing aftercare services for loved ones, so you never need to feel alone.

Recovery doesn’t just start with the person who is battling addiction. It starts with everyone who cares, taking action for a brighter, happier and sober tomorrow.