Who Are You Without Your Addiction?

At some point in recovery, perhaps when you’re through the toughest part of detox or when your stay in rehab is coming to an end, the questions you ask yourself begin to change. Rather than asking whether you can stop, you start asking who you are now that you have stopped. Some people wonder if they will go back to who they were before addiction, whether that person is still there, or whether they have become someone entirely new. A lot of people find they’re looking at a version of themselves they don’t quite know. That feeling is very common, and it can be a scary but exciting revelation.

How addiction shapes identity

Addiction changes what you do, and how you see yourself. Drug dependence, gambling abuse, gaming and alcoholism start as a crutch, or just something to do when you’re stressed, bored, lonely, frightened or happy. They fill your evenings and influence who you spend time with. Eventually, many aspects of your life and identity become centred around substance use or addictive behaviours.

This is the self that recovery then has to untangle. Researchers call this a “fused self-concept”, where your sense of who you are collapses into the addiction, and it’s part of why quitting is so hard. It can feel as though, along with the drugs or drinking, you’re also giving up a part or even all of yourself.

The grief that nobody expects

Research has found that the brain circuits involved in attachment and addiction overlap, and that ending an addiction is, in many ways, a mourning process. The grief feels as real as other types of loss. It’s the brain and body’s response to losing something that’s been at the centre of your life, whatever harm it was doing.

This grief understandably catches a lot of people off guard. You expected to feel relief, and you do. But underneath it there is a kind of emptiness that is yet to be filled and that can feel disorientating and scary. But knowing that the grief is a normal part of recovery, and not a sign you’re failing, can help you manage it while you start to rebuild.

Recovery and the identity crisis

The identity crisis of recovery has been described as being pulled in two directions at once.

Part of you wants to hold on to the person you were before the addiction took over. This is the earlier self you remember or imagine.

But part of you understands that you have to build a self that isn’t centred around the substance or behaviour. This means asking old questions which may have new answers now you are free of addiction. These are questions like, what do you enjoy doing? What do you value? Who do you want around you, and what do you want an ordinary day to feel like?

You don’t have to have the answers straight away. Most people learn more about who they are now over the months and even years following rehab treatment. But starting to ask those questions can help you get a truer sense of who you are without addiction.

The emotional challenges of building a sober identity

The feelings that come with building a sober identity aren’t always comfortable. Without the substance to take the edge off, memories and emotions you’d been able to keep at arm’s length can start coming back. You now have to learn to manage them again without drugs or alcohol. That takes time, and it can be difficult because you’re out of practice.

The grief we discussed above hits different people in different ways. Some people grieve the years they’ve lost to addiction. Some grieve the person they might have been if things had gone another way. Others grieve the relationships that didn’t survive, and the energy spent on friends who weren’t really friends. Some people miss the substance or behaviour itself, for the relief it gave even as it wrecked everything.

Fear of change is another part of the emotional challenge. A new self is unfamiliar, and there’s often a pull back to what you know, even when what you knew was hurting you. Self-discovery in sobriety means learning to feel with that unfamiliar feeling and stay curious about who you’re becoming.

Rebuilding your life after addiction

Rebuilding your life after addiction isn’t one single thing you do, but lots of small choices, made again and again. Some potential ways to start rebuilding include:

Who you’ll find along the way

As they move through the recovery journey, many people find an earlier version of themselves they’d forgotten. But often, that person is a foundation to build upon, not to revert to. Who you are after overcoming addiction, with the knowledge and skills learned in rehab, and the clarity of mind that recovery provides, may be wiser, stronger, and more capable.

Your addiction was something that happened to you and in you. It shaped the years it took up, but it was never the whole of you. Addiction recovery is a walk back to someone you already were and a leap forward to who you want to be and can be.

Sanctuary Lodge works with people at every stage of addiction recovery, including the quieter, more tangled stages that come after rehab is done. If you are looking for extra support or just have any questions, get in touch with us today. We can talk through where you are right now and what the next part might look like.